The Backstory

Soooo the all important backstory, it goes a little something like this:

I was hitting my stride in as far as being a single person goes, getting comfortable with just doing the stuff I wanted to do with friends, and really enjoying the time and space that being single afforded. A good friend of mine was making a resurgence in my life, and it was refreshing to hang out with as his general endeavours and conversations were much more cerebral than those that I had had of late.

Now the wrinkle comes when I'm introduced to his girlfriend's friend . Now I won't go into the minutae of how it happened, but me and Jen started dating. A lot of it had to do with a rainy night when we all returned to her tiny bachelor apartment who's decor, personality and most importantly bookshelf blew me away.

So 6 months of relationship with Jen go by, I'm head over heels, she's lukewarm. It's how it goes, and I can say that now only after a month or two of disturbingly sad times.

This is where I find myself Moving Lonwards once more, squinting back at the sun to find my path again from the fork in the road that apparently leads nowhere at this point.

One of the hardest things about Love is letting go. Once you've felt it, you realize what everyone is talking/singing/writing/yearning about/for. You do have to let it go to, and sometimes its reminiscent of that scene in old yeller...the best analogy I ever came up with referring to the quashing of love was:
"Riding yourself of love is like punching a puppy until it runs away"
And you know that puppy is going to keep coming back for a long time, and by the end your punching it through tears, but you know it has to be done, you can't feed that puppy anymore so you have to make it go away.

The harsh part to is, and cliches always crowd around us during these troubled times, I think of the saying "You'll always have a place in my heart", and she does. Now one would think that I could just scalpel out that chunk. Sadly enough its one of those feelings that like a mind altering substance makes the world clearer, experiences sharper, and its not so easy to just let go. The best thing I"ve found, is to gently steam roll it so that the roadkill is always there, but at least you can look away when you drive past.

It has been an uphill battle, I cared for her more than I've ever cared for anyone and letting that go is tantamount to cutting off my own arm with a chainsaw that I"m holding with my teeth. I've been successful though, and hence I am Moving Lonwards.