A step on the path

After the previous post, me and Jen had a talk and we agreed that we have to see each other less. This goes into affect this week starting today, and does it need to be said that i'm not looking forward to this? Anyhow, I will be diligent in my ability to distract myself as that will be the key.

I will attempt to achieve a bunch of the things from the previous post, and hope to mostly occupy my time with reading, cleaning, guitar learning, exercising, kung fu practicing, and surely more things that I can't think of at this very moment. I need to re-establish myself in general, get all my ducks in a row, and feel like I'm of worth to someone again, and this time is perfect for that. Its as if the gods themselves have set aside time for me, since its the only way I can move forward.

Oddly enough its not saddening anymore, and simply feels like a necessity, as if the doctor told me I have to have my leg amputated and instead of going out and running around i'm already hobbling despite having both legs. Blech that was a terrible metaphor...but whatever. Hopefully i'll come out of this more Lon than ever. I wish myself much luck, and I recommend to anyone that stumbles accross this that if you ever want an open relationship; Do it early when you meet someone you care about.

The Lonifesto

Yes I have a bad habit of making poor puns involving my name for my own purposes, but whatever its my blog, i'll pun badly wherever I damn well please!

So I've realised that I need a set of guidelines for New Lon (or if your french Nouveau Lon). These are the goals/aspirations/general tasks to be completed in this bizarre place called an open relationship. I know that I've been spending a bit too much time with Jen now that we've re-established this open relationship, and that doesn't really help anything, it gives the illusion of being together with none of the real benefits. So:

(And these are not listed in order of priority, although I may do that at some point)

- Be a little more harsh
I'm too nice, and for some reason most people take this as weakness, it isn't, but that's how its interpreted. I don't regret any of the nice things that I've done in my 25 years on this blue green ball, but hey time for a fucking change.

- Swim at least 3 times a week
Working at software developers for going on 4 years, although financially and mentally rewarding hasn't exactly loaned itself to me becoming a beacon of toned manliness. I'm not complaining, I'm still in objectively decent shape, but thats thanks to a combination of cigarettes and my bizarre metabolism. From this point onwards its get in shape time.

- Practice Kung Fu and Tai Chi daily
I"ve simply been letting this slide, and I shouldn't, I'm tired of "letting things slide" to do them another day. It's weak and pathetic and I'm better than that.

- Stop Looking
Even now that I have this setup with Jen, I've been "looking" for a replacement, by the logic of "if I don't look I won't find" but you know what, I have more than enough crap to work on in my life without that, and I won't find another Jen anytime soon, so I'll drop it, and Jen can sleep with the football team in the meantime if she wants.

- Quit Smoking
I don't know how quickly or easily this will be achieved, I assume it won't be either, but its on my mind, and I will soon enough slap a patch on my arm to fight it off.

- Cut back on the green
Simply not smoking the J's except on the weekends and special occasions

- Driver's License
Still no driver's license, I don't really need it, but I should get on it just so that its done at some point soon.

- Hit on at least one woman per outing
Not because I actually want them, just to sharpen the skills, I'm woefully unprepared when it comes to dating and all that crap, and I figure its something worth brushing up on.

- Read more
This is already pretty much fixed, but i figure it could use addition to the old Lonifesto.

- Avoid Commitment like its covered in genital warts
This whole deal with Jen is fucked, it destroyed quite a few parts of me, that while still functional are in horrible shape and make strange burnt noises when I try to use them. So I figure that short of someone amazing coming along (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) I'll avoid commitment like the plague that it is

- Write the damn book i've been meaning to write for ages
I still don't know what it should be about, or exactly what I want but I want to at least get started and pick a direction.

- Move back in with my parents
I've been putting this off for ages, since it is what it is, but its what has to be done, and I should stop procrastinating and get it done with.

- Brutal Honesty with Women
Not that I've been a huge liar in the past, but i won't pull any punches anymore, I went on 3 dates with a girl that I knew it wouldn't work out with. Never again.

- Learn to play the Guitar
My little brother is finally done with mine, and I'm going to steal it back and learn how to play andstart writing some sad bastard music because that's what I likes

- Distance myself from Jen
She wants to "see what its like with other people", she "doesn't feel the same way" but still wants to sleep together, I can deal. But the time will come where one or both of us will find other sources of entertainment and it won't be fun, so I'd like to be prepared for that. As much as I care for her, as much as I'd be happy to stop looking forever, I can't I have to start this entire schpiel over again...woo fucking hoo.

There are more to add but my lunch time is almost up, and so I leave you with a quote from the Stars song "Your ex-lover is dead"

"he scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin, tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in, now you're outside me you see all the beauty repent all your sins, nothing but time and a face that you lose, I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose, I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news, from a house down the road from Real Love. Live through this and you won't look back"

Music Volume, pardon me is it your business

So once again I was listening to my music in the elevator back up to our work offices, and a co-worker felt the need to comment to the tune of "Wow, you listen to your music loud!".

Now I've had this before, I had a complete stranger at my old office warn me of eardrum damage. Sir I thank you for so selflessly watching out for my safety, would you care to follow me outside and tell me that cigarettes are bad for me? I find t strange that loud music is one of the social areas where people feel that they should comment. What is good music if not a thing to listen to loudly? I feel as if the whole point is to be awash in the musicians attempt, to be nothing but a large ear with little motor skills in anything else. In reality I could, turnabout being fairplay, warn people that walking could give them arthritis, breathing causes asthma, driving a car is killing us all slowly.

Also, if this was a case of my music bothering someone else, well I use earbuds and even at maximum volume, its barely audible, short of some beat notes, otherwise I do aquiesce in crowded public places, and I keep the volume to a realistic level. This was a purposeless rant, but they feel good don't they?

Coasters Shindig

So a close friend of Jen's from Mcgill had his apartment broken into last week, and Jen being the sweetheart of a friend that she is, decided to rally james' friends together to chip in cash to help him get another laptop. We went out to Coasters as it was just opening again, james was very happy and surprised, and quite frankly who wouldn't be.

This specific night Jens dad was in town as well, so after a certain point Jen left and I stayed behind with James and Char. James started getting drunker and drunker, as he normally does. We were sitting next to each other, and was relating the story of Jen being hit on clumsily by a guy at Boccaccino's, which while relatively unpainful (due to his clumsiness and Jens obvious reticence) I still knew that it was the first in a long line of potentially painful ordeals. As I told this to james, at one point he turns to me, swaying slightly, and says,

"You're not fooling me Lon, you still love her, and tell me otherwise and I'll say that you're lying"

I started to protest, because I wanted him to understand exactly what was going on. As I have explained ealier in my blogs I spent a lot of time crushing my love for Jen, and whatever terminology you want to use (the classic Still love her but not IN love with her or whatever), my feelings aren't the same as they used to be. And I made this clear to james.

This whole situation was still a wake up call somewhat, and I have to make sure that I don't slip back into those feelings, since they're like a warm shower early in the morning, it only takes a moments hesitation to stand too long in the warmth, and then be late for the things you have to do to keep your mind off the cozy embrace you leave every morning.

Strength

I had a random train of thought the other day. It involves love and how its perceived by different kinds of men. I've always lain a swath between the "sensitive" guys and the "Jock" guys. Myself being the former.

Now obviously I will side with my self over the other side, and this is what sparked the train of thought. I felt that it takes a lot more strength to take that chance, leave yourself completely open for the soul crushing agony that awaits on the sidelines of any level of love. From my point of view, it seems like these guys who go out, and are just trying to score the one night stand, are poorly equipped to love, they have no idea what its like, and they just can't expose themselves in that way.

A lot of this admitedly is tied to my concept of what love is, but I feel like a big part of it is exposing yourself completely to someone else, and them loving you for who you are, even the bad parts, even the parts you're not proud of, because its all those parts that make you who you are, and how could they love you without understanding the whole picture.

Now, of course there are extraneous circumstances, I'm sure some of these guys simply have walls up due to a recent relationship, or a woman who fucked with them, or guilt over fucking over another woman, etc etc.

I still stand by my point that the hardest thing to do is yield, yield completely and utterly to someone else, to splay yourself emotionally naked for them to catalogue the pros and cons, and realize that maybe they'll hate you for it, maybe they'll take the opportunity to point out the flaws you hate the most, but I feel that it takes the utmost strength to be able to expose that in the first place.

I realize this post is a little sappy, and meandering, I didn't really give it much though I just kinda "blogged" it out, but hey that' s what this is for.

Fancy Clothes shopping

This past friday, Jen and I had planned on going out and catching some live jazz, I suggested casually at one point that maybe we could dress up, for kicks, since neither of us usually has any reason to do so. She loved the idea, as did I, but me being me, I had next to nothing appropriate. So the friday of, after work, I was planning on buying something appropriate.

At lunch I scouted a store called Vizoni within Place Ville marie, I went in just to get a price on a full suit, and I was served by an older woman. She is/was a character, and at this point I had no idea to what degree. I returned to Vizoni after work to see what I could get since they had a lot of sales going, and I needed someone willing to help me with my aesthetic sense rather than line their own pockets.

I retured after work, and asked her point blank to pick out a shirt and tie for me. She is Edna Mole from the Incredibles, I'm convinced, I don't remember the entire conversation but I will relay the things that I do remember. Firstly what she looked like, She was an older woman probably early 40's, long brown hair, brown eyes hidden behind oversized italian style sunglasses (despite being buried within an underground mall). She wore a black/brown, dress/shift with a sloping scarf thing overtop. She spoke seriously about everything, as if our conversation was bugged and actively monitored by the Fashion Police. Now the excerpts that I can remember.

"I will treat you like a son" She said

"Uh Thank you, that's very kind of you"

"I have a son you know...(she could have taken a haul from a cigarette in this pause) but he is a bastard" her voice leaves the road onto gravely vocal offroading here.

Next Tangent

"What tie would you suggest with this shirt"

"Ah" She says, and holds up a finger signalling me to wait while she finds the perfect tie.

"This one is perfect, it will bring out your blue eyes" She says, as I'm thinking that my eyes are green, but I want to avoid being lashed by the vinyl tape measure that's constantly draped around her neck. She hands me a (to my novice judgement) handsome blue tie.

"Here try this". A little embarassed I brandish the tie like a child that I don't know how to hold,
"I"m sorry but I don't know how to tie a tie..."

"Is no problem, I be right back" and she leaves the store. I stand and wait, and surely within a minute or two she returns with a tied tie. I try it on, but the skinny piece was too long.

I turn to her, "Err this isn't right, can I adjust it?"

"No, no just go next door, ask for the Big guy, he will tie the tie for you, now go, GO" and she shoos me away.

I wander out of the store, and assume that another clothing store next door, is kindly taking on the responsibility of tying the tie's of Vizoni's patrons. The place next door is a jewelery store, and theres a hefty gentlemen at the back, and I approach.

"Are you the guy that tied this tie?" I say, a little trepidatious at finding out what the relationship is between the jewelery store and Momma Fashion.

"Yea, oh not such a good fit eh" A raucous laugh makes him jiggle in a not entirely unseemly manor.

"Here pass it back, I"ll try again." He replaces it on himself, and we have small talk about where I'm going and soforth. A second attempt is still too large, which reminds me that my kind tie afficionado is about 3 times my size and has a neck the size of a telephone pole compared to my skinny lampost.

Another tangent

She turns to me after we've picked out the shirt "You should buy some pants, I have these on special usually 90 now only 45." and I eye the pants, they're better than what I"m wearing.

"Lets see how I look in them" and she smiles as if I just told her the secret of the meaning of life.

"Do you have them in 32?"

"Only 30...but I have these in your size, a little bit more expensive, but marked down from 225"

I decide to give them a try, and they do look nice, and I come back out of the changing room as she is fiddling with the same pants still on the shelf.

"Come, come" she says and beckons me to her. I walk over,

"Turn" and she does a circular motion, I turn and hear her inhale sharply, and she then pats me on the bum.

"You look fabulous, these pants are made for you."

Anyhow, this whole experience was extremely amusing, and despite the price hike compared to say Moores, I will go back there to buy a suit, if only to enjoy her company.

Hunter S Thompson

So I finally got paid today, and felt like rewarding myself ever so slightly, hopefully be expanding my knowledge. I decided to go to Chapters and pick up "Fear and Loathing in las vegas" since I had had it referred to me by numerous friends whom I took as people who's book recommendations I respect quite deeply, and had also found out that he (Hunter S Thompson) was a close friend of Kurt Vonnegut, whom I love as an author.

I had previously looked at Fear and Loathing in bookstores, but was broke at the time, and never purchased it. From the previous endeavours I knew that it would be in a strange section (Culture and Culture studies or some nonsense in chapters pointe-claire), so upon breaching the doors of chapters downtown I immediately asked the salesperson on the first floor if she could direct me to the section in which the book could be found. Her response is what inspired this post;

"Well, he should be in culture, but his books are often stolen, so go to the second floor and ask the salesperson and they can most likely point you to them"

"Really?" I say "That's strange isn't it"

"No, its pretty typical"

Slightly off mental kilter I let escalator take me upwards and onwards, where I see one salesperson serving two people, and I grab an overpriced oversugared "going straight to my heart/hips/thighs" coffee which will hopefully allow him to be free once the "Coffee-ologist" is done preparing my caffeineated beast. Now the bookseller is free, and I ask him to point me to them, surprisingly its in the Gay and Lesbians section, and I would be remiss to say that I didn't have a doubt for a moment before realizing that I would buy a good book even if it was in the "These books are for retards that like to lick toilet seats" section. My curiousity gets the better of me, and I ask the gentlemen about the theiving tendencies of Thompson fans.

"Oh yea, that's why we only keep one copy of each of his books on the shelves"

"Really? I find that so strange"

"Oh not at all, Thompson has become hip again (I'm slightly irked at the implication that students would be stealing the books) we have lots of Burroughs and Kerouac that get stolen to, and the Satanic Bible" he says the last with a raucous laugh.

Now this whole ordeal got me thinking, I imagine that the number one sellers are most likely somewhere between Oprah's book club, Harry Potter and Dan Brown, but I wonder how many of that flock actually read there books. Comparitively I would think that a stolen book would merit quite a bit of attention, I wonder what a study of stolen books accross the world would say about our culture, and furthermore I wonder who's stealing them. I'm very tempted to ask whenever I go to a store now, which are there most commonly stolen books, to see what the real people are actually reading.